Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
