Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Randomize
