plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
