I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
