If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
