Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
We need to get me chipped asap
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
