between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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