I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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