I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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