i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
