Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Randomize
