Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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