You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
