I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Randomize
