dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
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