Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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