If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
