do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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