I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
