I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize