how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You can't special order awesome
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
