I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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