today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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