____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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