Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
