The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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