I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
