1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize