you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
