I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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