so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize