i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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