guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
