I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
