I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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