We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
