He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
