Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
