So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
