I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
