Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
