Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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