My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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