Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I will be naked everywhere
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
