oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
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