Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
