I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
