Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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