I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
