Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
