I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
