is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
