Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
