paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
