I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
There's even glitter on my cock...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
