I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
