Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
