Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
