i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
