OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
