So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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