you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
