i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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