You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize