i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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