I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
