Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
