That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
