I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
