Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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