I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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