Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
